THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER IS OUT OF HER CAGE
en·vy
a feeling of discontented or resentful longing
aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
jeal·ous·y
the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern
over a relative lack of possessions or safety.
I didn't think I was the jealous type. But then again, what does that even mean? As if it's a personality type you get to bond with others over, after completing a few online questionnaires. Or a title that's been awarded to you after one too many untrustworthy relationships. We all have the capacity to feel it, this thing called jealousy, in one form or another throughout the entirety of our complicated & messy lives. Now more than ever, with the help of our friendly little devices & shiny social platforms, opening the door to that green-eyed monster just got a whole lot easier.
Things got a little weird for me after quarantine. I had spent about two full months, going back & forth from my roommate-abundant apartment at one end of the city, to my boyfriend's place at the other. I would stay at one place for around two weeks at a time, lugging all of my personal shit & art supplies along with me each trip. During this time of isolation, I grew very comfortable in these spaces, as I surrounded myself with only my inner bubble of people. Those months were actually the longest period of time my boyfriend & I had spent together throughout our relationship this far. Spending 24 hours a day for weeks on end with another body can be quite challenging. I'm not gonna lie, I went running a lot more than usual just to find time for myself within the day. But to my surprise, going back to "normal" - whatever that means now - was a lot harder for me than isolating with the people I grew so comfortable with.
A part of me dreaded the thought of reintegrating into society after so much social-distancing & time spent solely with a selected group of people. Returning to a minimum wage job after having so much freedom to work on myself & my creative endeavours also left me uneasy. I didn't feel ready to leave this bubble I had just grown accustomed to after months of instability & uncertainty. As businesses started re-opening & society started to acclimatize, I found myself in a dark place of fear & self doubt, comparing how I was coping with all of these changes to the experiences of my peers. This dark place made me feel inadequate, unintelligent & unworthy. When I'm there, it's so easy to comfortably tuck myself back into all of my insecurities & worries instead of acknowledge my value & strengths as an individual. It's an endless cycle of self-sabotage that thrives in this distorted reality fuelled by my irrational fears & unrealistic expectations I hold against myself.
Scrolling through any kind of social media becomes a mindless task, with jealousy hiding at the grip of my finger tips, waiting to take control & latch on to the first sight of idealized perfection.
Her.
She who is prettier than me, more educated than me,
more charming, more social, more adventurous than me.
She's more this or more that, she's more than I will ever be.
The moment I let jealousy out of her cage, I'm met with a mind full of resentment, a fragile frame & a weight too large to carry with my own two hands. My thoughts & emotions seem to be twisted, tangled & knotted together in all sorts of uncomfortable ways, leaving me with a mess that I didn't even plan on making. It's sticky. Like the kind of sticky that spreads all over the place just by getting one finger in it. Sometimes I wonder why I let her out in the first place. Is this envy really necessary or am I just trying to justify this shame I feel for myself?
Is it too late to ask her to leave?
This green-eyed monster revealed how little confidence I have in myself right now, in a time with no direction, no plan, no guarantee. As if one wrong move, one wrong decision, or one wrong word will make me topple right over & shatter into pieces. But I'm not made of glass, I know that to be true, yet I can't help but feel defeated by the fact that I let her in. I allowed myself to dismiss my worth, watched myself pick fights over things that haven't happened, & made myself feel small when faced with intimidating situations. Why is it most comfortable feeling such negative emotions? Why do I choose to hold on to this weight?
Envy shows up in my life in many shades of green. Some believe the colour green has been associated with terms like envy & jealousy dating back to the ancient Greeks. They believed jealousy occurred as a result of the overproduction of bile, which turned human skin slightly green. Maybe that's the reason I feel sick to my stomach the moment little envy & jealousy start creeping through my mind. My envy likes to show up in the pit of my belly, she likes to hollow out my gut & leave behind a heaviness in my chest that just sits there. It sits there as if it were waiting for it's next meal to arrive. What do I serve it? It'll munch on just about anything from self doubt to self-deprecation to harsh judgement. What can I say, envy sure loves junk food.
My envy stems from a place of disappointment in myself. I'm envious of all who take bold chances & are rewarded with incredible opportunities. I'm envious of all who have figured out how to make a living doing what they love & are recognized for it. I'm envious of all who have failed time & again, yet push forward & never stop dreaming. To obtain such things would be so fulfilling, yet I hold onto these fears, judgements & insecurities that have followed me throughout my life & no longer serve a purpose. These emotions don't define who I am.
It's about fucking time to let that shit go.
Less envy more energy!
Here's some things I think could help...
Find things to be grateful for within each day. Share your gratitude with others.
Surround yourself with people who inspire you. Create healthy relationships that fuel you.
Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others.
Celebrate the success of others. Stop viewing life as a competition.
Be proud of your accomplishments. No matter how small.
Love yourself. As much as you can.
XX C
PHOTOGRAPHY: BETSY-MAY SMITH @betsymaysmith
STYLING & MAKEUP: CELINE BLAIS @babycealion
OUTFIT ANTHEM: ENERGY BY SAMPHA THE GREAT (FT. NADEEM DIN-GABISI)
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